This week I have been trying to get past the implications of life’s hurts and just understand pain, not just its purpose but its existence.
I am not a pessimist. I am a practical optimist with my hope for the future deeply rooted in pain. Hope is a vague concept but pain is very real because even though it exists inside your brain, you feel it manifest in physical symptoms of headaches, stress, tears, depression…etc. I have never felt magical hope moving through my bones, but I have felt mental anguish like someone turned my flesh inside out. Of-course with all pain and no hope, our souls end up destined failures.
Hope definitely has an integral role to play in shaping our day to day lives, just getting out of the bed feeling hopeful can turn your day around but does being hopeful mean ignoring pain all together? Is that even possible? Pain sucks but I think as a society we like to gloss it over with anything and everything we can get our minds/hands on.
Couple of days back, I randomly thought that may be we all are born with some soul injury. The thought came to me when I was sitting wondering what I need in my life to not feel “pain” anymore. I can’t express in words what my pain is but I feel it deep within me. Later in one of the philosophical conversations I had with my Mom over FaceTime, we ended up analysing this further and I came to the understanding that nothing will ever cure my pain. It is such a grim thought but may be accepting that might make life’s experiences more fulfilling? Just getting that out of the way will take the pressure away from life’s experiences that are meant to bring me happiness.
No material things, creative things, achievements, relationships will ever fix my pain. They will help me figure out my pain, face it, express it, comfort me through it but never quite erase it because without that pain, who am I? I think our soul injuries (as I like to call it, you might prefer mental anguish or whatever) are unique to each one of us. May be our true human potential lies in how we use our pain to bring hope into our lives? May be pain is the only thing we can rely on to remind us that we are experiencing this reality in our human bodies. After all, nothing brings out an emotional messy reaction like when our pain is triggered by someone on the outside. Sometimes it is simply our interpretation of someone’s actions/words that might not have even been intentional from their end, that turns us into little fucked up balls of shit.
Pain has a very strong hold over how we live our lives which makes me think that it is almost like a part of our operating system when we were born. May be my pain in this life is the result of evolutionary replication and edits of my ancestors genes and their fears/hurts or may be it is all mine, all unique, specially programmed just for my brain. We will never agree upon how/if/why behind human existence or just our understanding of reality. The best we can do is find the right path that will ensure higher productivity and an enhanced life experience for us and then our fellow space-lings. To me that path follows the route of my scars.
My soul’s pain makes me hopeful. It wrecks me, disables me, breaks me but somehow it manages to help me experience life in this physical reality. Pain feels so bad that to work my way through it, I end up stumbling upon hope every now and again. If I didn’t know what shit felt like, how would I ever appreciate the little things in life?
So my new plan is to take the pressure off from life’s experiences. I want to erase the idea that any amount of success, material objects, travels, relationships, chocolate will instantly fix my pain forever. I want to accept the existence of my pain and just thank the scars it has left on my soul.
[When I write on something like pain, I am only talking about mental pain based on my own experiences. I often wonder about the the children in some apocalyptic part of the world, dying of hunger, forced into prostitution, left with no family…I have a very small useless brain to ever comment on that from my high horse. I can’t even consider myself a failure for not being able to come up with some philosophical stance on that sort of pain because there are limits to my brain and without experiencing what these children do, I have no right to say anything. Many behaviour models suggest that our interpretations are highly based on our own subjective experiences, our influences, our surroundings etc.
Our planet is so fascinating, sad and intriguing all at the same time. When I feel hurt over things I see on news or even in real life, I just hope that as a tiny almost insignificant human in this huge universe/multiverse, my actions could someday bring happy experiences to a few other souls that didn’t receive the stability, resources and love that I did.]
Photo Source: All That Is Interesting