My usual method of building myself up – one-day-at-a-time – crashes miserably on some days, due to reasons unknown to me. May be its the weather, may be its the hormones, may be its the unicorns that have gone extinct. My mother tells me that every 2-3 months my depression makes a reappearance and I get stuck in the same insane spirals of self-hatred that have kept me company for the past 32 years. Somedays I am convinced I was born with a hurt conscious. Usually picking myself out of the dump is much easier, however, the past week I have been consistently stuck in fighting a losing battle with my neurotic brain. After years of forcing my nerves to exhaustion and physical pain, I have decided to just accept the emotional (conscious/subconscious) pain and quit fighting it. I think sometimes anxiety doesn’t require us to do anything to tackle it directly. May be letting it exist in its natural, devious form and building positive routes around it or over it is the way forward.
Making peace with the worries and realising that I will always hurt, may be everyone is always hurting, makes me embrace my humanity. Certainly being someone who internalises issues and then gets stuck in her own mind is not healthy for the body. The physical pain of exhausted nerves is very real, the pain in my chest is very real. But, if I stop resisting the hurting wounded part of me, the pain of the human condition seems to become more tolerable. I think the wounds of our soul are like babies, when they cry, the best way to move forward is to comfort them. I often find myself fighting my pain because I grew up with the warrior mentality, however, constant fights with the hurt feelings seems destructive in the long run. It almost seems as though I keep fighting the hurt because I am ashamed of the part of me that hurts. Regardless of all the compliments I receive, the wounds that I often cannot even articulate, do not let me appreciate all the love in my life. My life is surprisingly filled with incredibly positive and generous family, friends and acquaintances. I genuinely feel not many people are as lucky as I am. But the internal pain/struggles seem to take centre stage, which seems ridiculous. I think this is due to the constant efforts I make to develop strategies I can employ to fight my anxieties. I fight them as if they are not a part of me, which is again a very outrageous concept. My pain is as much me as my own DNA. If I embraced the anxiety…my anxiety…and admitted that internally I might not be as strong as my exterior mask portrays me to be, the pressure to rid my soul of the wounds would reduce, which would allow me the option to enjoy this amusement ride in peace!
So if you are in a futile battle with your anxieties, may be just try embracing them with compassion for self, instead of feeling ashamed of the wounds that cause them.